Secrets to a Happy, Healthy Relationship

Asking couples what makes their relationships work will give you multiple answers to a simple question. Different strokes for different folks and all that. All the answers will make sense, but they’ll also probably be contradictory.

There Is No ONE Secret

There are a lot of theories about the perfect formula for building a healthy and happy relationship. But the fact is that there is not one perfect formula to make relationships work. Einstein’s theory of relativity explains it all – although not so much in relationship terms but towards momentum and gravitational forces.

There’s no universal truth to a happy relationship. What works for some people may not work for others. However, if you want guidance so you can make your own relationship work, here are some tips that have proven useful and effective for a lot of other couples.

Be Realistic

What couples fail to realize is that the happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. There is no happily ever after in the real world because ever after actually connotes forever, and forever is non-existent in relationships. “As long as you both shall live” is not forever, you know? It’s only as long as you both live.

It is true that no time is more exciting and exhilarating, dizzying even, than the first fluttering of a new love. Everything is perfect and no one can convince you otherwise. You see through rose-tinted spectacles and your partner’s flaws are just those cute little eccentricities he or she has. You can live with that – forever if possible. This is where the real tragedy begins.

If there’s one thing happy and healthy relationships have in common, it is the awareness and acceptance of both parties that, in relationships, there is no natural magic. There’s only magic that you make yourselves.

Check Your Perceptions

Stephen Covey had it right when he said that how you perceive things influences your attitudes and behavior. Everything you feel, everything you do, is based on your unique and relative interpretation of the world and your experiences. This is good advice, and it is extremely relevant in your personal relationships.

If you want a healthy and happy relationship, you must first do a self-check. Are your expectations realistic? Perhaps your perception is warped? Many couples, even when they are so much in love, usually fight because they can’t see eye to eye on important matters. It is usually the case that one of them – or both of them – has a twisted view of what is and should be in a relationship.

Let us suppose that a woman thinks that her man should treat her like a princess; he should never let her lift a finger nor make her hands dirty. She also believes that her man should not want any other person’s company; he should want to be with her more than with his football-fanatic friends during Super Bowl Sunday. So in a nutshell, she wants to be treated like a princess in fairy tales, she wants to be pampered and spoiled. However, she also demands that she be treated like a woman who knows her own mind, that she be consulted in important decisions, that she be taken seriously when she decides she wants to run her own business.

Now that’s an unreal view of reality – a perception as unreasonable as wanting to keep your cake and eat it too. If this woman in our example does not realize the inconsistency in such a “theory,” she’ll always be unhappy and unable to find that one man who will make her dream relationship come true.

You must do the same and check your beliefs. Whenever you get angry at your partner for doing something, take a moment to analyze why you are angry and evaluate whether your basis for your anger – your perception or own theory about what should be in your partner and your relationship – is rational and consistent with your other beliefs and your expressed opinions. Consider this and tell me if this does not reek of inconsistency: a woman maintains that she must be treated like an equal, yet she gets angry when her date splits the tab.

When the Going Gets Tough

There is a time in every relationship when the cute little eccentricities of your partner will become huge annoyances that you feel you really can’t handle. Now, you may want nothing more than to spend every waking hour with your partner, but believe me, a time will come when you can’t wait to kick your partner out so you can have a little peace and quiet and a little time to yourself. A time will come when you will no longer be able to see anything but flaws: he does not put the toilet seat down, she does not leave my study alone, he does not help me wash the dishes, she is always asking me to wash the dishes – and on and on your long litany of complaints will go.

At this point, your rose-colored spectacles have now been completely retired and you are seeing your love in an entirely new and unflattering light. If this time comes and you and your partner are able to work it out, you have it made. You’ll be one of those lucky couples who have built a healthy and happy relationship; for if there is one thing that is common to all successful relationships, it is work. Very hard work from both parties involved.

Love isn’t all that it’s hyped up to be. It’s not all romance, starry nights, candlelit dinners, and walks on the beach. It is also full of exasperating and aggravating arguments and fights, irritating dialogues and petty nagging, sadness and lots of tears. But if you want a happy and healthy relationship, you have no choice but to work on it. Nurture it, baby it along through the rough patches, hold on and keep faith with your partner, and watch your fledgling relationship bloom before your eyes.