Is Arguing Killing Your Relationship?

You and your partner just had a fight… again. It was another fight to add to a long list of fights. Sometimes you think your relationship is just one long series of misunderstandings, arguments and, oh yes, full-blown fights. The times when you and your partner are not arguing about something, seem to be mere brief intermissions to break the monotonous routine and give each of you a chance to fortify your defenses and prepare new arguments for, what else, but the next round of fighting.

Arguments kill. They can kill relationships and the love that you thought was so strong when you first started.

Opposites Attract, Right?

A relationship with someone is great to have especially if your partner is someone you get along so well with. The old adage, “opposites attract,” is only applicable in physics. When it comes to relationships, it is wiser to be with someone who shares similar views with you.

You want a relationship with someone whom you can talk to without getting into a heated argument; you don’t want someone you don’t even want to talk to because you just can’t agree with anything that he or she says. You also want someone who has a little bit of your own personality so your partner will be sure to understand where you’re coming from, and vice versa of course.

Opposites may attract, but most likely not against all odds. The attraction may be intense – chemistry and all that – but it will probably last only until the first or the next real fight. Once the tingling and heady effects of the first months wear out, what else is there to look forward to except more disagreements and more arguments?

Arguments stem from a difference of opinion. When both of you clash on so many issues, what are the chances of you or your partner ever seeing the other person’s point of view? Thus, it is always wise to start your relationship with your mind in full gear. Think before you leap – now that’s an old saying I have no argument with.

But just in case you really do love your partner and both of you are deeply committed to make it work despite all the arguing and the quarrelling, here are a few tips you can try.

Accept Each Other’s Individuality

The next time that you and your partner find yourselves in another argument, think about the most important thing: you are together because you love each other. Therefore, you have to make it work. Thus, if you can’t say anything constructive, say nothing. It’s better to keep a rein on your temper and hold your peace than say something in anger that you’ll regret almost immediately after.

Then, in one of your calm moments, think about the fact that it’s not realistic to expect your partner to agree with you on everything. You are still two distinct individuals who just happen to love each other. You may not agree on a lot of things but, at least, you agree on the most important things. So why don’t you just let differences of opinion slide (like water off a duck’s back) and move on to what’s more important – making up. The cards may be stacked up against your relationship succeeding, but those who gamble can win.

You just need to accept that you and your partner have your own personalities. You are two individuals – perhaps more different than ideal – but that’s something you really can’t do anything about. Instead of complaining about your differences and instead of trying to change your partner (both of which would be as painful and as senseless as bumping your head against a concrete wall, by the way), you should focus on yourself and what you can do to alleviate the constant tension and stresses that are wearing your relationship thin.

In other words, don’t get fixated on the things you cannot change; concentrate on those things you can do something about – like your attitude to your partner’s behavior and beliefs and how you will handle your relationship so you will spend less and less time arguing.

Do not Sacrifice; Compromise

Never for one moment think that reacting positively and holding your peace when what you really want to do is let some deadly missiles loose is sacrificing. Sacrifice is for martyred saints. They are not for people who are in a supposedly mutually rewarding relationship.

When partners sacrifice too much of themselves for the sake of their relationship, sooner or later tempers will flare, grudges will accumulate and before you know what is happening you are hurling the verbal equivalent of nuclear warheads on your partner’s head. And you know what they say about nuclear war – one party gets to strike first but, in the end, nobody wins.

Compromise is what you need; not sacrifice. Sacrifice is when you give up something important so you can make your partner happy. Anyone who demands your sacrifice is very selfish; your sacrificial act will probably be just taken for granted and your effort will remain unacknowledged. For that matter, anyone who demands your sacrifice must be given the sack. Goodbye and good riddance.

Compromise, on the other hand, is a decision or a course of action that has been determined through an amicable discussion. Requests, not demands, are made by both parties. Free will is exercised by each and compliance is never forced nor assumed. Since each one voluntarily does something, no one feels put upon so no petty flare-ups are bound to happen.

No Point in Arguing

Is the color of the bathroom wall really worth fighting about? Come on! It may merit a discussion, but not a major blow up, that’s for certain. Thus before you let all your weapons loose, think about what got you so riled up in the first place. If you think something is important enough to risk your relationship on, go ahead. But if it is something so petty even kids won’t touch them, you’ve got a prime candidate for a relationship-breaker.

Constant arguing is the fastest way to make your partner want to leave. In the heat of the moment, it will feel good to let out all your anger and frustration. In the aftermath of your explosive outburst and your fiery arguments, however, you and your partner will probably be very miserable.

Finally, if you have done everything – reined in your temper, held your peace and argued only about important things – yet you still kept on arguing, perhaps it’s time to reflect on why you’re still in that relationship in the first place. Perhaps it’s time to talk about cutting losses and abandoning ship?